Fun in 14B
If you’ve traveled for business as much as I have, (which is way too much) you’ve probably noticed a very particular thing about airline magazines. No, I’m not talking about the Mensa test that everyone’s afraid to take because they’ll flunk it and realize they’re not as smart as they thought they were, it’s the ads.
Ads in airline magazines share two properties – they’re the same no matter what airline you’re on, and they’re fucking weird. Brazilian Steakhouses. I love Brazilian style steakhouses, you know, those places where waiters bring huge hunks of charred meat skewered on swords to your table and serve it to you by carving a slice right onto your plate. (Hot tip – wave off the first few skewers because those are the cheap cuts). But for some reason, every airline magazine has five or six ads for Brazilian Steakhouses in different cities in them. Why the emphasis on Brazilian Steakhouses? Why not Sushi, or BBQ? Did the Brazilian Steakhouse consortium get some kind of deal on bulk advertising, or is there something about being cramped on an airplane for three to six hours that makes you crave charred meat?
Then there’s the executive dating services. Women join for free, of course. These agencies are always run by some hot-looking babe in her early 40’s who promises her clients she’ll find them love and happiness, or at least a willing trophy wife, whichever they prefer. I’m not going to use the phrase “high end prostitution” but I won’t deny it’s crossed my mind from time to time.
Things get really strange with the Human Growth Hormone ads. They’re not as omnipresent as the Brazilian steakhouses, but they crop up once in a while and they’re fucking bug-ass crazy. They tell you that by using HGH you can reclaim your youth and basically reverse the aging process. Does anyone from the FDA ever travel on airplanes? Or all they all smart enough to bring a book?
One of these features this doctor who’s in his sixties. He’s an advocate of HGH and uses himself as an example of how great it works. There’s a picture of him standing there, shirtless. It’s creepy – Twilight Zone creepy. This dude is in his late 60s, but has the physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger, even though his head and face are those of your dead old grandpa. A grandpa who could kick your ass before breakfast then come back for seconds after lunch. The ad claims the photo was not “digitally retouched” which make me speculate that perhaps they used old-fashion air brushing. (After all, retouching photos was high art long before the digital age, as anyone who’s ever read the Weekly World News in it’s early 1980s hey-day can attest.)
For me, the best ad is the ROM machine. It’s this exercise machine that claims you can get a complete physical workout in only 4 minutes a day by using the
They have a website, but I’m afraid to go to it. If I become any more fascinated by the machine I’m going to have to explain to my wife what that $15,000 charge on our Mastercard is for. Of course, maybe someone from ROM will see this blog and send me one for free, you know, to try out.
So once I’ve popped some HGH, stuffed myself silly at the nearest Brazilian Steakhouse, then worked off the meal on my ROM machine, maybe I’ll finally have the balls to take that goddamn Mensa test.
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